The Story Of Gai
by Stubbi the Humble Chimneysweep
Summary: A story I wrote about Gai. Oneshot. OOC all the way! No pairings.
1. Chapter 1

The story of Gai

by uchihachik

Disclaimer:Thank GOD I don't own Gai. I only wish I owned Itachi and Sasuke...If only...

Once upon a time, in Narutoland, there was this retarded, fuzzy-eyebrow-ed guy named Gai. Every girl in the village hated him for two reasons: 1: They thought he was gay. and 2: They were afraid that if they did go out with him, his fuzzy eyebrows would come to life and eat them. Since all the girls hated him, he could never get a date to anything, so he stayed at home, watching reruns of his favourite show, Coronation Street. Then he got really old and wanted a son. Since all the girls in the village hated him, and because he was impotent, he couldn't have a son. He decided to think up a master plan.

First, he thought of adoption, so he went to the adoption agency and adopted a little girl named Haku. Now, Haku was _really _a boy, and he hated it when Gai confused his gender, insisting that Haku was "His little Princess" and embarassing Haku to the max. So Haku ran off to join Zabuza.

Then Gai adopted a little boy named Kisame. Kisame was a shark man and he was almost as old as Gai. Gai kept insisting that he was 6 years old, when really he was 23. Kisame got pissed off at him and ran away to join the Akatsuki.

So, after 133 adopted kids ran away (Hey, isn't that the entirety of Konoha's ninjas?), he thought up another plan. He decided to_ steal_ a kid. He snuck into an unsuspecting house, and stole their oldest kid, a thirteen-year-old sexy ninja prodigy named Itachi. Itachi hated Gai, so he used Mange Sharingan on him and escaped. Itachi used his awesome ninja sense of direction to get home, but Gai got there before him. Gai then abducted Itachi's little brother Sasuke. Itachi arrived home to his happy parents, but no Sasuke.

"Where's Sasuke?" Itachi asked his parents.

"The fuzz-eyebrow guy abducted him." his mom said.

"Dammit." Itachi muttered, grabbing a bag and putting some sharp objects in it.

"Watch your language, young man." his dad ordered.

Itachi glared at him. "Don't you care that that fuzzy-eyebrow guy is probably molesting Sasuke?"

"No, we have you. We were just thinking of a way to get rid of Sasuke so he wouldn't intrude any more on your training, when fuzzy-brow came and took him. It was like an answer to our prayers." his mom explained.

Suddenly, hatred flashed in Itachi's sharingans. "Why!" Itachi exclaimed. "Why did you just hand Sasuke over!"

"Aren't you happy? We got rid of Sasuke just so we could pay more attention to you." his dad said.

"No! Of course I'm not happy! Do you know how much I loved my little brother! Sure, he was a pain at times, but he was my brother! That always happens with brothers!" Itachi exclaimed.

"It was for your own good." his mom said.

"I'm going to find him." Itachi declared, picking up his bag and heading out the door.

But, just as he turned the doorknob, his father pulled him back. "No." his father ordered. "I can't let you do that."

Itachi glared and pulled his arm free of his father's grip. 'Why not?"

"Itachi, we love you, and we want you to be strong." his mom said.

"If you're going to save Sasuke, you might as well kill us first." his father said.

A plan flashed in the super-sexy ninja's mind. "Then maybe I will..."

His father looked a little shocked, but his face hardened "Try it. You don't have the guts."

Itachi smirked. "Any last words?" he growled drawing a kunai.

His dad's eyes widened in suprise. "Y-You wouldn't.." he stuttered.

"Yes I would." Itachi replied and jammed the kunai through his father's throat, covering him with blood.

"I-Itachi!" his mom exclaimed, shocked.

Itachi turned on her. "You too?" he asked.

"N-no, Itachi...Please no.." his mother begged.

Itachi's arm fell to his side. "Are we going to get Sasuke?"

His mother didn't reply. She didn't know what to say. She sighed. "Itachi, as your mother, I demand that you stay here, and we forget about Sasuke. I want you to have an easy li-"

But she was cut off by a splurt of blood as Itachi slashed her throat and she fell to the ground, dead.

Itachi fell to his knees beside his parents' dead bodies. "The rest...They hated Sasuke, too.." he stuttered. He knew what he had to do. He stood up, and left his house, to the houses of all his realatives, slautering (sp?) them. As he approached each door and knocked, he was answered by a cheerful; "Hello Itachi." from his older family members or, "Hi Itachi." from his younger cousins, before they each let out a petrefied scream as the were murdered.

After all life was drained from his family, he returned to his house, to get ready to set out and find Sasuke. But Sasuke had found him. The little boy stood in the doorway of his house, screaming for his brother, when he entered and found Itachi, standing over the bodies of his dead parents.

"Aniki!" Sasuke exclaimed and ran over and clung desparately to his brother.

"Sasuke...you're okay." Itachi said, hugging his brother. Over Itachi's shoulder, Sasuke saw his parents. He immediately let go of his older brother. "W-What happened to them, Aniki...?" Sasuke asked.

"Sasuke, they _let_ fuzz-brows take you. They said that it was all because they didn't want you interuppting my training...Or something like that...They hated you, Sasuke." Itachi explained.

"Oh, I get it." Sasuke said.

"But, Sasuke lemme tell you a secret. Do you wanna be on TV?" Itachi asked.

"Yes."

"Do you wanna have books written about you?"

"Yes."

"Then we have to make this scene really dramatic. I'm sorry Sasuke, but, you have to hate me...Or at least pretend to. You have to whine to everyone you know about how I killed our whole family. Make it sound sad. Maybe if you whine to enough people, we'll get a maga and anime series written about us." Itachi explained.

"Wow Aniki. You are smart." Sasuke said, amazed.

"You hafta act all cool and quiet and mean. Kinda like me. You know how social I am. And, no matter how many girls love you, you have to reject all their propsals and stuff..." And so, Itachi told him all about this master scheme he had cooked up, and soon, Itachi had fled to join Akatsuki, and Sasuke was pretending to hate him. And remember, this was all caused by how pathetically desperate Gai was.

Now, back to Gai.

Gai was brilliant. He was a genius. He had a plan, and it would work too, dammit! He walked into a forest and started lecturing squirels about the exubeance of youth and crap like that, when he suddenly pulled out a kunai and said; "I make little boy out of testicle." and he sliced off one of his balls and molded it into a little boy who would be from there on known as Rock Lee.

THE END

Yes...This is my very entertaining tale. R and R plz!


	2. Note

Hey it's uchihachik. I just wanted to clear up some stuff.

The timezone in _The story of Gai _was all messed up. Like, for example, in it, Itachi was 13 when Kisame was 23. Kisame would have actually been 19 when Itachi was 13, but I just typed that when I was really tired. You see, I'm kinda an insomniac. It means I have trouble falling asleep. And, I typed that right when I got up, so bare with me. Just so you know, I suffer from _2_ mental dissorders. One is insomnia, and the other is...something else...I'll never tell you! MWA HA HA! cough Yes, so now you know.

Also, if the Haku adoption, Kisame adoption, Itachi abduction, Sasuke abduction, and Uchiha clan massacre parts made no sense, it's because I just typed them off the top of my head. I had the Gai/ball part thought up before then, and I added on the other parts just as I was writing.

Now that that's cleared up, let's play 20 questions to quess my other mental dissorder!

Sasuke: Mental retardation?

uchihachik: Nope!

Sasuke: Coulda fooled me...

uchihachik:glare

Naruto:Insomnia?

uchihachik:DUH! I already said that!

Sakura:Insanity?

uchihachik:Nah...

Sasuke:You sure you're not retarded?

uchihachik:Yes! Here, lemme give you a clue. Itachi, c'mere and tap on my shoulder while my back's facing you...

Itachi:(thinking "She better not be planning anything wrong..") Uhh...Okay...walks up behind me and taps me on the shoulder.

uchihachik:turns around Ahhhhh! He's gonna kill me!

Sasuke:Fear of Psycos?

uchihachik:No!

Naruto:Itachi-phobia?

uchihachik:Why would I be scared of this hottie?points to Itachi

Itachi:Most people are...

uchihachik:Most people aren't me.

Itachi:That's for sure.

Sasuke:And I'm glad they aren't...

uchihachik:Okay, this is pathetic! Attention all readers! points to you Guess my mental dissorder! Please! I know you can do it! Review and tell me.


	3. Contest winner!

Believe it or not, someone actually suceeded in guessing my second mental disorder!

Congratulations to:

Blood red nin

This was his/her guess:

lmao...again! Your stories are hilarious! As for your mental disorder...I'm guessing...paranoia?

Yeah! The answer was paranoia! For all the little kiddies who don't know what paranoia is, it means I'm afraid that someone's gonna get me. Like, at night, I shut and lock the door to my room, and I shut the window. When I go into my room, I check under my bed and in my closet to make sure nobody's hiding there. I also get freaked out when I hear sounds in the night. Like, if my dog scratches at my door at night, I automatically assume it's a cold-blooded killer coming for me.

My friends also insist that I'm a scitzoprenic. But, I'm not. I'll celebrate and reward him/her by dedicating a one-shot fanfic to them. Blood red nin, in a review, please send me what character it should revolve around or what pairing. I'll then think up a storyline, write it, post it, and dedicate it to you.

Now, the characters will try and convince you to ask me to put them in.

Naruto: Make it about meeeeeee! uchihachik writes too much about Itachi-bastard and Sasuke-bastard!

uchihachik: That's cause they're hot.

Itachi: (wispers to Blood red nin) Please don't pick me. If you do, I just know that uchihachik will do unmentionable things to me in the fic...

uchihachik: (grins evilly)

Sasuke: Same.

Lee: I have no fics about me...But if you do choose me, make it Lee/Saku!

Neji:...I don't care if you pick me...

Tenten: Oooohhh! Make it a Ten/Neji fic! Please!

Ino: No! Make it Ino/Sasu!

Sakura: No!Saku/Sasu!

Ino: Move your forehead, Sakura!

Sakura:Grrrrrr!

(Catfight breaks out...)

Choji: Write about me and my love for food!

Kiba: Write about me and Akamaru being the best ninjas in the world!

Akamaru: (supporting bark!)

Orochimaru: (Suddenly appears) Make it Oro/Sasu.

Sasuke: O.o (eye twitches)

uchihachik: But! I already have an Oro/Sasu fic!

Oro:So?

Shikamaru: Ahh...I figure I'm too lazy to be in a fanfiction...It's troublesome...

Kisame: Make me win over Itachi-sama!

uchihachik: No way! Itachi's mine!

Kakashi:...(Reads Come Come Paradise)

Hinata: W-write about...N-Naruto-kun...

uchihachik: Did you know that you are the only person that I let the 'kun' slip on?

Hinata:...T-Thank you...

uchihachik: But, why would you want me to write about Naruto?

Hinata: B-Because he's really nice a-and he get's t-too disrespected i-in most f-fanfictions...

uchihachik:Hmmm...So, you want me to write a Hina/Naru fic?

Hinata: Y-Yes...

Shino: Write about bugs.

uchihachik: I told you, don't whine to me, whine to Blood red nin...It's their choice...

Kurenai: You should ask uchihachik to write a Kure/Asu fic...

uchihachik: That's a new one, isn't it? I haven't written one of them yet...But I have hinted it in a couple of fics...

Asuma: You should write one about how amazingly cool I am and how I smoothly win over Kurenai.

uchihachik: Isn't that what Kurenai just said? And, Kakashi is way cooler than you.

Gai: You should write about Lee and the exuberance of youth!

uchihachik: No way!

Gaara: You should write about me killing everyone...

Kankuro: I don't know what you should write about me...

Temari: Write a Tema/Shika fic!

uchihachik: You'll have to steal him from Ino!

Ino: But..I don't like Shika...

Random Uchihacest fan: Write Ita/Sasu!

uchihachik: Hmmm...Maybe...


End file.
